Chapter 21 Wednesday, 1230 hours (12:30 PM)
In his office, Joshua felt edgy and he tried to analyze why. He took out his calf-skin diary and idly flipped through the pages. He was beginning to see a pattern to his life and it was time to acknowledge it. He had a blood-lust, a sadistic blood-lust. No. You couldn't call it sadistic. That implied evil, and he wasn't evil. The blood-lust was part of his make-up. He couldn't help it, and since there was no volition, there was neither good nor evil, just existence. Joshua looked out the window and gave time for this thought to sink in. Why had it taken so long to see it, he wondered. "Jack. I probably learned it from Jack."
Joshua put his feet up on the desk. He was beginning to feel steadily better, even exhilarated. Yes. He was coming out of the closet. There was no need any more to hide his bloody urges from himself. It was liberating, and he felt like singing.
He got up and paced around the room.
"To thine own self be true."
He looked out the window and thought of the escaped hostage. Derek, his name was. He thought of Derek's son in the snow leopard enclosure and wondered if there were any way of keeping him in there while encouraging the snow leopards to return home. That, thought Joshua, would be worthy of the Roman Coliseum - The boy being mauled to death while his father was clawing at the gate to get in.
Joshua reveled in these thoughts, now unbothered by guilt. Joshua paced his office and felt a growing tingling and excitement. He went to the door. He had to walk off some of these new feelings and some nervous energy.